


Pretty, but

by berryforager



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, How Do I Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25723102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryforager/pseuds/berryforager
Summary: So now, Judy knows. She expects it. If she's given a compliment, it's going to be backhanded. If someone loves her, there's always a condition.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 42
Kudos: 172





	Pretty, but

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had an idea for a Judy POV fic that will be very challenging to write, and thought I should get some practice with her POV with something else first to see if I want to attempt it. She's so much harder than Jen, why?!
> 
> THANK YOU to everyone who read and commented on The Romance of Self Discovery. You gave me the confidence to write more! And the laguna beach gc (retirement home?) thanks for welcoming me to your crazy group, the encouragement and laughs! You're all awesome.

Judy Hale knows she's pretty. She's been told this her whole life. 

It's what her mother used to tell her all the time, like it was the best thing a daughter could hear from her mother, more important than what Judy really longed to hear- that she loved her.

"Judy, baby, you're so pretty," she'd say, stroking her hair. "Do you think you could stay in your room while Mommy's friends are here?" Judy would nod, of course, anything to please her. She'd go lay on her mattress, only a thin blanket to keep her warm, ignoring the ache of hunger and loneliness.

As she got older, she began to recognize the look in the eyes of the men her mother brought home. She began to be able to  _ feel _ when someone was looking at her. At 10, 11 years old she learned to hate being told she was pretty. "Wow, Eleanor, you've got a real stunner on your hands," or "If she's this pretty now, imagine her at 18," and Judy would feel sick.

The look in her mother's eyes made her feel even sicker. 

"Yeah, she's pretty," Eleanor would sneer, contempt dripping off every word, "but such a pain in the ass."

*

"Pretty" wasn't enough to make her mother love her, and it wasn't enough to get her adopted, either. 

She never forgot the things she heard from foster parents, from couples looking to adopt, from social workers.

"She's such a sweet girl, so pretty, but she just doesn't fit with us."

"She's a wonderful girl, but we want someone younger to complete our family."

"Judy, honey, we're going to have to place you in a group home until you age out. I know it's not what you want, but there's no other option."

No one wanted to be her family. She was too much, she'd been hearing it her whole life. And "too much" meant she's not enough. 

The feeling of knowing this seeped deep into her bones.

*

When she was in high school, both her art teacher and school counselor were very encouraging of her artistic skill. They even convinced her to apply at California Institute of the Arts, and wrote her letters of recommendation for a scholarship that would make it possible for her to go. Judy never thought of going to college, especially art school, but she let herself begin to dream. 

She submitted three of her best paintings and an essay on how much this scholarship would change her life. 

When she received the response letter in the mail, hope fluttered in her chest, something she hadn't felt in so long. "You are a talented artist with a bright future, but we have selected a more deserving candidate." 

The hope died as quickly as it was born. 

*

When Steve broke up with her, after the fifth miscarriage (real hope long gone somewhere around the third) and the accident, and everything in their fucked up relationship came to a head, he'd listed out all the reasons he loved her.

"You're so beautiful-

You have such a good heart-

You make me laugh-

You'd be such a good wife-

But you can't give me a family."

She thinks it would have been easier to swallow if he'd just said he didn't love her any more.

*

So now, Judy knows. She expects it. If she's given a compliment, it's going to be backhanded. If someone loves her, there's always a condition. 

She's Pavlov's dog, and she's heard the bell too many times. 

***

It's a couple of months after the car accident, all minor injuries recovered from, and Judy feels more at peace than she ever has. The forgiveness she and Jen gave each other after everything, it was real, a real cleaning of the slate. She feels safe with the Hardings. It doesn't feel tenuous like her place in every other household she's ever lived, like one wrong step and she'd be out of there, the ache of loneliness back full force in her chest. 

And even though she knows Jen will never love her the way she loves Jen, she feels like she finally has a family. It's enough. She's found her footing, finally on solid ground.

Then the tectonic plates begin to shift. 

*

Henry finally gets up the courage to accept another Holy Harmonies solo, and Judy is thrilled when he asks for her help. He comes out to the guest house to find her one evening after practice. 

"I've got the dance moves down, obviously, I'm a natural, but I could use some help with my 'vocal intonation', according to Christopher," lowers his voice to a whisper, as if someone else could overhear, "I don't even know what that means." 

Judy laughs, wraps an arm around him and squeezes. "Of course, bud, I'll help you with anything! You know I'm not really a singer though."

Henry looks up at her, "Thanks Judy, you're the best! And you have the voice of an angel." 

The way he's looking at her makes her feel loved, needed, and she feels warmth spread throughout her chest as a smile grows on her face. "Of course. What's the song?"

"'Time After Time?' Some really old song, I don't know it," He's shifting from foot to foot, Judy can tell he's nervous.

"Oh my gosh, that is one of THE best songs of all time, Henry!" Judy's hoping her excitement will rub off on him. "Lucky for you I was president of the Cyndi Lauper fan club in middle school."

*

The next week is the night of the performance, and Henry is chatting excitedly in the backseat of the car as Jen and Judy sit up front. The nerves he had before his first solo attempt are long gone. 

Jen reaches over to grab Judy's hand, which she gives her happily. "Hey, thank you so much for helping him. You're the only reason he's going to make it through this," she glances at Judy and smiles, "You're such a good second mom to him."

Jen has been saying things like this more and more often, and it makes Judy feel things she'd long given up hope to feel. The feeling of family, of domesticity, it completes her in a way she can't explain; especially since it's not really  _ complete _ . She doesn't really know how to respond, never does, so just flashes a blinding smile and says, "You're welcome. I was happy to do it. We had fun!"

"Oh I know you did. Sounded like you two were rehearsing for American Idol or some shit."

"Ooohhh American Idol! How fun would that be?!" Judy mimes like she's singing into a microphone, flips her hair. 

"Nope. That show is so fucking lame," Jen shakes her head vehemently. 

"Oh come on, they've produced some good stars. Kelly Clarkson? Carrie Underwood?"

"Nope."

"Miss independent, miss self-sufficient, am I right?!

"Nuh-uh."

"Jesus take the wheel?"

"Nooo way."

"My life would suck without you?"

Jen's laughing now. "Okay, enough Jude!"

Judy laughs and squeezes Jen's hand. "It totally would, though."

Jen glances at her, small smile on her face. "Oh, absolutely."

"I would marry Simon Cowell," comes from the backseat, deadpanned. 

Jen nearly runs off the road. "Jesus fuck Shandy, I forgot you were here!"

*

The performance is great, and even Charlie seems to be enjoying watching his brother in action. "He looks confident! Get it Henry!"

Judy has her phone out to video, and as Henry steps up to perform his solo she has to fight back the emotion rising in her throat, she's so proud of him. 

_ "If you're lost you can look and you will find Him, time after time _

_ If you fall He will catch you, He'll be waiting, time after time" _

"He's doing so good!" She whisper-exclaims to Jen, tearing her eyes away from Henry to glance to her right. She's shocked when she sees that Jen isn't watching Henry, but HER.

It lasts a split second. Jen snaps her eyes forward almost immediately, but Judy saw  _ something _ .

Jen wasn't looking at her like a platonic mothering partner. 

Judy feels that long-lost flutter in her chest. 

*

The following week, Jen and Judy are making dinner together in the kitchen. Judy had decided to order them some Hello Fresh meal kits, because they come with everything needed for a meal, and detailed step-by-step instructions. She didn't need that, of course, but this was her way of trying to get Jen interested in cooking. It's going  _ swimmingly _ so far. 

"Why the fuck don't they send the garlic chopped already? What is the point? Like I need to take 30 minutes to chop this fucking CLOVE myself?! And now my hands are sticky and reek of garlic!" Jen is now waving the knife around in frustration. 

Judy feels laughter bubbling up and tries to force it down, she knows Jen is so far out of her comfort zone, but she's  _ trying _ . Judy gently places her hand over Jen's and takes the knife from her. "Here, let me. No one needs to get stabbed tonight on account of garlic." She feels a spark when their fingers brush, wonders if Jen feels it, too, and then there's a knock at the door. 

"Oh thank fuck, I've never been so happy to have an uninvited guest," Jen mutters as she walks off to get it. Judy just smiles to herself and listens to see who's at the door.

"Hiiiii Jen!!!" It's Karen, sounding like she's already had a couple glasses of something. 

"Oh, hi Karen. How ya doing? Whatcha got there?" 

"I'm fine! It's banana wine! I saw it on an episode of Schitt's Creek and just had to try it."

"Mmmmm, yum!" (Judy can just picture the look on Jen's face, and shakes silently with laughter.)

"Do you and Judy want some?!?"

"Oh no thank you, we are actually busy, maybe some other time?"

"Oh," Karen says, perpetually crestfallen in Jen's presence, "okay, well, my 50th birthday is actually tomorrow, and with Jeff gone-"

Now Judy knows she has to intervene, and shuffles quickly to the door. "Karen! Hi! Looking great! How about we do something this weekend for your birthday? We would love to take you out." Jen grabs Judy's arm and squeezes tightly, but Judy isn't deterred. "Is there somewhere you'd like to go?" 

Karen almost looks like she's going to cry as she envelops Judy in a hug, "I would love that, thank you so much," and Judy swears she hears a sniffle. She gives Karen a squeeze as Jen stares on like she's in some sort of fever dream. 

Karen pulls back, now happy and smiling. "How about karaoke?!

"That sounds great! So fun!" Judy exclaims at the same time Jen says, emphatically, "FUCK no!"

After they make plans and Karen leaves, Jen plops down on the couch and puts her head in her hands. "Karaoke?! With KAREN? Seriously Judy?!"

"This is her first birthday as a divorcee. It's her 50th, and she was going to spend it alone. I'll buy you some drinks, get you good and sloshed," Judy sits down next to her, nudges her with her shoulder, "Come on. It was the right thing to do."

Jen looks up, "Ugh I know, you're right. You have a heart of gold but sometimes it's just... too much."

Judy feels a familiar stab of pain, and her smile falters, "You don't have to come."

"Oh, I am ABSOLUTELY coming. I will absolutely get sloshed, and I'm going to see if Christopher wants to come, too. Karaoke night isn't karaoke night without his rendition of 'Hollaback Girl'."

*

The karaoke bar on a Saturday night is a hopping place, and Judy feels happy as she sits crowded around a small table with Jen, Christopher and Karen, chatting and sipping drinks. Karen seems to be enjoying herself, and Jen is actually letting loose, so Judy feels a little proud. She's also glad to be spending some more time with Chris.

Her ultimate goal for this evening is to get Jen to sing a song, but she's been unsuccessful so far. She thinks the more tequila Jen downs, the easier it'll be to convince her. "Hey!" She has to lean right into Jen so she can hear her, the stereotypical group sing of "Sweet Caroline" being belted at a deafening volume.

"Yeah?!" Jen leans towards her, their faces pressed close.

"What song you singing for me tonight?" She practically yells in Jen's ear.

"Oh no. I don't care how much tequila you give me or how pretty you look tonight, it's not happening!" Jen's breath in her ear makes Judy shiver, and she pulls back to smile at her.

"We'll see," Judy shouts as she looks into Jen's twinkling eyes, thinking for the millionth time how gorgeous they are. 

"Ahem," Judy hears a quiet cough to her left and she glances at Christopher, who is giving her a pointed look. She looks away, embarrassed, glad Jen is focused on her drink. 

"Okay, girls! It's my turn. Watch and learn," Chris says as he saunters up to the stage. 

The three women all let out shouts and wolf whistles for him as he takes the mic. Judy leans over the table to Karen, "Are you having a good time?"

Karen nods appreciatively, "Yes, so much fun!"

The song starts, and Chris is immediately giving it his all, really, Gwen Stefani would be impressed.

_ "Ohh this my shit, this my shit!" _

Judy and Jen lock eyes and grin, "See Jen," Judy boasts, triumphant, "told you this would be fun." Jen opens her mouth to respond when Karen leans into them.

"Is he single?! He's so cute!"

"HA!!!!" Jen guffaws, "hahahahahaha!"

Judy has never heard Jen laugh so hard, and she's biting the inside of her cheeks to keep from joining, trying to spare Karen some embarrassment. 

Jen is trying to compose herself, takes a breath and wipes tears from her eyes, "You certainly have a type, Karen!" 

Karen frowns. "You mean... he-?"

"Likes dick?! YUP!" Jen pops the "P" dramatically.

Judy leans over and grabs Karen's hand to give it a squeeze, "It's really hard to tell sometimes!"

_ "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S,  _

_ this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!" _

Jen totally loses it again, and this time Judy can't help but join in, leaning her head on Jen's shoulder as they crack up.

As the song finishes, there is thunderous applause throughout the bar. Chris really brought the place down.

He gets back to the table as Jen stands up, "Another round for all? Maybe two more rounds for Mommy?!"

Judy gets up to head to the stage for her turn, not before teasing Jen, "'Mommy', huh? It's gonna be one of those nights?!"

Jen just winks at her as she turns to walk towards the bar. Judy knows she might be holding Jen's hair back tonight, but can't bring herself to care. This is so much fun. She's feeling a pleasant buzz as she takes the stage, and she hears some words of encouragement from several male (and a few female) fans as the song starts. Judy grabs the microphone and lets the music fill her; she doesn't have much rhythm, but she knows she has a stage presence, and the song she picked is a blast to sing. 

_ "Clock strikes upon the hour  _

_ And the sun begins to fade..." _

Judy closes her eyes as she belts the song and sways to the beat. She feels so carefree, so happy, and the crowd is giving her lots of encouragement. "YEAH baby!" She hears a particulary drunk gentleman shout more than once.

As she gets to the chorus, she can  _ feel _ someone watching her, but knows there are many someones staring at her right now.

_ "I wanna dance with somebody, _

_ I wanna feel the heat with somebody  _

_ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody _

_ With somebody who loves me" _

Her eyes scan the crowd, and then she sees her. Jen, still at the bar, leaning into it, and their eyes lock. Jen is either too drunk to look away immediately, or doesn't care, but Judy  _ knows _ that look. It's the look of someone who wants to rip her clothes off. And it doesn't make Judy uncomfortable, quite the opposite, as she keeps singing right to Jen.

Yeah, she's definitely feeling the fucking heat. 

*

The rest of the night goes on without incident, other than Jen downing tequila like it's water, and Judy actually only drinking water so she can drive them home. They drop Karen off, who repeatedly thanks Judy for such a fun night. When they get home, Jen is passed out in the passenger seat. 'This will be fun,' Judy thinks, as she pulls open the door to drag Jen upstairs. 

Jen is practically dead weight and mumbling incoherently, but Judy manages to get her upstairs and into bed. After she tucks her in, Judy goes to get a glass of water for Jen when she wakes up, sits it down on the nightstand as Jen mumbles, "Judy..."

"Hmmm?" Judy leans down a bit to brush some hair out of Jen's face, then gasps as Jen reaches out and grabs her. She pulls her down so she's burying her face in her neck, and Judy forgets to breathe for a moment.

"Mmm, you smell so good, you're so fucking beautiful," Jen mumbles into Judy's neck, and she feels her lips connect with her skin. Judy shudders at the unexpected contact, feels dizzy all of a sudden. Jen seems to sober a bit at this, lets go of Judy, panic passing over her features for a millisecond before it's gone. "But I'm so drunk, I'd probably hit on Karen right now," She groans and falls back into her pillow, closing her eyes, "Thanks for the water and getting me to bed. I may regret it tomorrow but tonight was fun."

Judy just nods, trying to calm her racing and aching heart. Most nights they get really drunk, she'll crash with Jen, but she can't do it to herself tonight. 

She knows Jen won't remember this in the morning, or at least will pretend she doesn't. 

*

Judy is doing everything she can to not think of these moments, to not think of the different looks she's seen on Jen's face directed at her. Tries not to think about how much she wants to see those looks every day. It's something Jen clearly can't, won't, acknowledge, and Judy would rather ignore this feeling forever than lose her family. 

*

It's a typical Friday night, Jen and Judy making quick work of a bottle of wine on the outdoor sofa after a long week. Judy's got her legs curled up under her, can feel Jen's warmth on her right, and is content with the predictability of it all. She's never had predictable in her life. 

"Facts of Life" is predictable, probably why she loves it, and she's laughing at a joke she's heard at least a dozen times when she feels it again. She turns to the right and there's Jen, just watching her laugh. This time Judy catches something else before Jen looks away; she sees fear. And suddenly, she knows. Jen is scared. Jen is scared of what she feels for her and will never do anything about it, and Judy can't take it any more. 

Judy sets her wine glass on the table, turns fully to the right, takes Jen's glass and does the same. Jen is sitting very still, looking at the TV. Judy brings her left hand up to Jen's face, gently hooking her fingers under her jaw as she turns her head toward her. 

Jen's eyes are wide, and Judy sees her pupils dilate ever so slightly as she leans in, hears a sharp intake of breath before she presses their lips together. Judy's hand moves from Jen's face to the back of her neck, pulling her closer. She's thrilled when Jen responds, hands going around her waist as she moans quietly into Judy's mouth. That's all the encouragement Judy needs to slide her tongue across Jen's bottom lip, deepening the kiss, and it's as if this is everything she's ever been missing. 

It feels like what Jen has always been to her. It feels like home.

Jen pulls away, clearly overwhelmed, whispers, "You're perfect," and takes a shaky breath.

Judy knows what's coming next, and she feels it like a punch to the gut. Looks down, eyes closed, turns her head to the side a bit like she's readying to be slapped. "But?"

After a couple of beats of silence, Judy feels Jen's fingers under her chin, lifting her face to meet her eyes. Judy reluctantly acquiesces, and her heart jumps into her throat when all she sees is love. The kind she thinks, hopes, is unconditional. 

And this time it's Jen who leans in, saying the sweetest words Judy's ever heard before their lips meet again.

"'But'  _ nothing _ ."

**Author's Note:**

> Judy's happiness is my #1 priority in life. 
> 
> Any comments/constructive criticism are much appreciated :)


End file.
